Checkmate

My cat and I have spent all day in bed so forgive me if my words are overly muddled. I wrote a poem the other day; it was the first time in years. It wasn’t as good as they used to be. Funny. I guess the use it or lose it thing applies to everything. Journaling and blogging and doing anything besides idle, mindless tasks have gotten so hard. And now on to the obligatory my food/body issues part of the post:

I read a book about learning to abandon the dieting frame of mind, and how that should free me into only eating when I’m hungry. Joke’s on you, book! I’m lacking the appropriate enzymes! My weight keeps going up along with my feeling of helplessness and I swear I’m trying. I saw an article online today that suggested “Amphetamines may help binge eating disorder!” Well no shit. I’ve been trying to convince my doctor literally for years that I need a magical pill to make my jeans fit better. Not to mention the fact that I’m always tired or sleeping. Maybe this drug can cure all my woes 😀

When people talk about retiring early or winning the lottery or whatever they always talk about how they’d volunteer or work part time or something because they’d be bored. If I were unemployed right now, I would NEVER be bored. Imagine the books I’d read! The cats I’d pet! The games I’d play and the blogs I’d post! I’d FINALLY have time to craft again. I’d FINALLY have the energy and wherewithal to teach myself things I’ve been dying to learn. I could be bilingual. I could be healthy. I could go for lunch with people once every 2 weeks to switch it up a bit, remind myself that there’s a world with humans in it.

I literally day dream about this life.

Damnit, world. Quit making me work. I hate the people. Did you know it’s VERY difficult to have a job as an introvert? When you want nothing more than quiet solo work or whatever people make you talk to people and there are those jerks that insist on talking to you when you’re CLEARLY reading a book in the breakroom etc. Oh, what’re you reading? I’m reading SHUT THE HELL UP I’M READING. Damnit.

GAHHH.

I need a vacation. A very long vacation.

Foggy sick brain is done rambling now go back to your candy crush and LOSE 60 POUNDS IN 60 SECONDS articles.

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Community College Papers 101

So I wrote my final reflection paper for my final graduation-required course in about an hour and a half last night. It was a 5 page paper. It was done while some scary show was on TV behind me and I was still slightly tipsy from beers at dinner. I thought the teacher would read it begrudgingly asking herself why she ever became a teacher because she hated crap poured into keyboards like this, but this was her real response:

“GRADE: 250

Your first paragraph pulled me right into your paper!  Very honest, from the heart paper.  I liked it a lot!  Your last paragraph, While it’s one thing to want to learn as much as possible, it’s another to put it into practice. And the practice makes perfect. Most importantly, I think college has taught me self-motivation. I learned what it takes to be successful, at least the first steps I can take and resources I can utilize along the way. It was all worth it.” needs to be something ALL students in college need to think about.

Well done Ashley.  You should be so proud of yourself.  I am proud of you.  You are a role model for your family showing them how hard work and determination got you to where you wanted to be today!”

And here I thought the instructor hated me.

Well, I must’ve learned something in college.

Oh, and that “It was all worth it” sentence made me physically cringe as I typed it. I’m not sure what this teacher was thinking giving me 100%, but I’ll take it!

The Listener

I am an introvert by nature. Once I’m comfortable with someone or in some place (it takes a while) I can be rowdy, obnoxious, and almost fun. But naturally, I prefer quiet and seclusion.

School years made me inclusion unavoidable. Assigned seating at lunch, hall pass requirements, inescapable group or partner projects… *gag*

It was difficult for me to make friends. Especially in 3rd grade until 6th grade. All throughout school, I preferred books and writing (horribly boring) stories over attempting to socialize.

But I listened.

I knew what everyone was up to. Lunch was the best time for these information gathering habits of mine. No one talked to me at lunch. Everyone talked around me, though, and with my face pointed down at my tray or my back and never letting my eyes wander, I took in all that people said.

Everyone figured I wasn’t paying attention. Joke’s on you. I knew your juiciest gossip in elementary school. Ha.

I was set if I ever needed to blackmail someone. I felt like a spy. Sometimes, I still listen to coworkers or classmates while pretending to be involved in whatever I’m doing. Though, my people skills have improved enough that I can be a part of their conversation if I really wanted to.

It’s A Boy: My Car’s Name Is Tibby Gibbles

Books books books books books. I feel a serious sense of achievement lately, because I’ve gotten the chance to read several books already this year. I’ve been frequenting the library several times a week this month, and am already 33% of my goal on goodreads.com (follow me! The link is on my contact me menu thing). It’s not that reading is a new thing for me, definitely not, but getting so much time to do it is a great feeling. So yeah, my grades have slipped slightly (an A and a B isn’t that bad, right?). I don’t care.

I’ve limited my social interactions to once a week instead of twice, and after work I clean, I eat, I read, I sleep. It’s pretty cool, and I hope it lasts.

Unfortunately, my brain keeps reminding me that this is what my therapist was talking about with the perfectionism thing. I find it hard to do something for fun unless I go all out and have something to feel proud of. It’s the “I should read 100 books this year” kicking the shins of the “I’d like to read 100 books this year” mentality that I should have. Hm. Should. I’m confused.

Whatever how can reading be a bad thing?

I’ve also discovered a new love for the newspaper and its crossword puzzles.

To Have and To Eat

The last 2 months have been full of experimenting. Not the fun kind with the beakers and the BOOMS, but the brain kind. I switched to a cheaper SSRI because of the beginning of the year/deductible thing, and this new medicine has me in kind of a funk. It’s annoying. I feel tired all day on my own, thanks. I don’t need a pill to multiply that fatigue by a bajillion (which is what it feels like).

One of the most frustrating parts is that I don’t fall asleep near as quickly as I’m used to. Though, that could be because I started by taking it at night; usually an hour or so before bed. Now, I take it 12 hours earlier in the day. It’s helped a little. I get a rush of energy when I need it during the day instead of when I should be sleeping. That late night rush was helping me get a lot of reading done at night, though… One thing I was hoping it would help was the appetite. I still get the cravings in the morning for ALL THE FOOD, and I still wake up with wrappers under or around my pillow. I still overeat, and I just can’t make myself ditch the soda. Soda is disgusting. I love it so much.

The reason my doctor prescribed this was not primarily because of depression, but instead it was supposed to help my anxiety. I stated that my grades had slipped because I can’t make myself focus (don’t get me started on trying to write. All of my blog posts end up as train wrecks. Can you imagine my essays?), so this was supposed to do the job when I couldn’t afford to take Xanax everyday. It hasn’t really been helping. I feel like I’ve avoided a lot more social situations than before, and I feel like my outlook on the future isn’t as bright as it may have been previously. I haven’t been on it for very long, though. I’m hoping it all evens out and does what I’d like it to do.

Yes, I’m far better than I was around the breakdown days, and even 3 years ago, but I feel like I’m very slowly, steadily, slipping again. It’s almost like I’m trying to fool myself. It’s weird and I hate it.

And this ain’t my first rodeo. I know I can’t take “happy pills” and expect immediate improvement with no effort of my own outside of my wallet. I’ve been sleeping as well as I can, doing things I enjoy doing, and trying not to 100% avoid people.

I’ve had 2 panic attacks this month, when it’s been several months before that and almost a year before that… Okay now I’m getting pessimistic. I guess we’ll see what happens.

Happy Wednesday.

Fun fact: this particular drug is supposed to be good against one of my eating issues, so that’s neat. Okay bye.

It’s the Little Things

I love when it’s 12:34. I love when there are 3 of something. I love avocados and mountain dew.

I love the sound fancy keyboards make. I love flipping through a new book. I love leaving for work and seeing squirrels and birds in my tree.

I love hearing great songs on the radio. I love having an “ah ha!” moment in school. I love the freedom of eating something and not knowing the calorie content.

I love the smell of clean laundry. I love buying office supplies. I love having fun at work.

I love coffee with whipped cream. I love getting to be green when we play board games. I love when people get my bad jokes.

I love my heated blanket. I love when I wake up thinking I’m late for work but it’s actually my day off. I love breakfast food.

I love when my cat follows me in the house. I love when I have time to watch Doctor Who on Netflix. I love remembering a whole night’s worth of dreams.

I love getting gumballs out of the $0.25 machine. I love swingsets. I love meeting new pets.

I love seeing the Northern Lights in Nebraska. I love coupons. I love decorating my living space for the respective season or holiday.

I love the feeling of taking out my contacts at night. I love writing big on chalkboards and dry erase boards. I love new textbooks.

I love studying with candy. I love back scratches. I love camping.

I love getting excited about things. I love making things for people. I love fuzzy pants and fluffy socks.

I love the feel of a room after deep cleaning it. I love getting butterflies every time I see my engagement ring. I love remembering a lot of little things starting from when I was 3.

I love when people are nice to me. I love when people notice how nice I am. I love art supplies.

I love the comfort of my Grandma’s house. I love riding bikes. I love to pretend I have conversations with animals.

Everyone has down days. I’m in a bit of a depression, and have been for a couple weeks. I like to remind myself that there are so many little things (besides people and financial issues) that make my day brighter. What do you love?

Hobby Troubles

One of my goals is to have a library in my house. I’ve accepted the fact that it will probably be a modest sized office/library space most likely the size of an average suburban bedroom. That’s okay. As long as I have a room that I can dedicate to my love of reading. I plan on improving my current inventory system, (not only am I slightly neurotic, but I’ve accidentally bought the same book twice before) and I want to have armchairs or couches in there, too. If I’m lucky there will even be a fireplace in the room. Here’s hoping.

The reason I bring this up is because even though I know I want to read a lot I still have trouble grasping the fact that I can’t master all the things I like. There isn’t much to “master” with reading, but I love to paint, play games and video games, and learn new things. There have been moments when I’ve gotten so overwhelmed knowing that I won’t live long enough to know about and be good at everything, because that’s impossible. Luckily, the anxiety I have regarding this subject has subsided slightly since I’ve been less depressed (funny how that works), but it still comes to mind every time I have a day off to spend time on hobbies.

If only I were a Sim and could do everything! As long as my controller-person knew how to do cheats, and as long as I drank the elixir of life… Unfortunately life isn’t the Sims. Wouldn’t that be neat though? I wouldn’t have to organize, do laundry, or mow the lawn. No college applications. Groceries would be delivered to my door.

Okay I got a little sidetracked, but am I alone in wanting to do more than I will ever have time for and being really stressed out about it?