Like Butter Over Too Much Bread

I have a great imagination, but I can’t draw or write a story. I can’t even seem to journal or blog regularly. I’m nice but I can’t keep a hold of several friends because of the social stress. I can barely hold on to my sanity at my job, and it’s not that hard. I can only grocery shop when I leave before I realize what I’m doing because the idea is terrifying. (More specifically, the idea of having to maintain control over what I buy and all the people there at the same time is terrifying. Have you ever thought about what would happen if you ate all of the food in just one grocery store aisle?)

Today I’ve done nothing but eat 2 times the calories I should and watch Netflix. I have a paper to write, and a question about it for the teacher, but I can’t email her. It’s really hard to email people. I should have done homework, or picked up a shift, or worked out. Maybe I could have met up with friends. Today was a waste and a lot of my days feel like a waste.

I try to motivate myself and change the self-destructive/self-pity feelings into something positive to work off of, but this just isn’t working. I’m glad I can drink beer again. Why must I either be restricting or gorging? I never thought I’d see the day where I go to 3 fast food restaurants for one meal again. Granted, nowadays I keep that meal long enough to actually digest it, but I don’t know which I’d rather.

This weekend is a very long, fun-filled, expensive convention I’m going to but I don’t have money to pay the bills that are due the week after, yet I’m spending money and taking time off work to go. I have homework due 2 nights of this weekend but I’m watching Netflix, and now I’ve decided to make a post.

I’ve worn a sweatshirt everyday for the last week and a half, and I’m behind on my laundry. I have mail to sort and CDs to copy and a desk to organize and books to read.

Maybe it’s the month-long trip down antidepressant lane again making my brain wonky. Maybe I’m despairing because I have no internal sources of motivation. Maybe I’m just pissed because I’m not one of those naturally athletic and skinny and funny people. I’m mad I can’t focus my brain thoughts.

I’m going to finish this episode of Bones then watch another one.

It’s the Little Things

I love when it’s 12:34. I love when there are 3 of something. I love avocados and mountain dew.

I love the sound fancy keyboards make. I love flipping through a new book. I love leaving for work and seeing squirrels and birds in my tree.

I love hearing great songs on the radio. I love having an “ah ha!” moment in school. I love the freedom of eating something and not knowing the calorie content.

I love the smell of clean laundry. I love buying office supplies. I love having fun at work.

I love coffee with whipped cream. I love getting to be green when we play board games. I love when people get my bad jokes.

I love my heated blanket. I love when I wake up thinking I’m late for work but it’s actually my day off. I love breakfast food.

I love when my cat follows me in the house. I love when I have time to watch Doctor Who on Netflix. I love remembering a whole night’s worth of dreams.

I love getting gumballs out of the $0.25 machine. I love swingsets. I love meeting new pets.

I love seeing the Northern Lights in Nebraska. I love coupons. I love decorating my living space for the respective season or holiday.

I love the feeling of taking out my contacts at night. I love writing big on chalkboards and dry erase boards. I love new textbooks.

I love studying with candy. I love back scratches. I love camping.

I love getting excited about things. I love making things for people. I love fuzzy pants and fluffy socks.

I love the feel of a room after deep cleaning it. I love getting butterflies every time I see my engagement ring. I love remembering a lot of little things starting from when I was 3.

I love when people are nice to me. I love when people notice how nice I am. I love art supplies.

I love the comfort of my Grandma’s house. I love riding bikes. I love to pretend I have conversations with animals.

Everyone has down days. I’m in a bit of a depression, and have been for a couple weeks. I like to remind myself that there are so many little things (besides people and financial issues) that make my day brighter. What do you love?