I have a great imagination, but I can’t draw or write a story. I can’t even seem to journal or blog regularly. I’m nice but I can’t keep a hold of several friends because of the social stress. I can barely hold on to my sanity at my job, and it’s not that hard. I can only grocery shop when I leave before I realize what I’m doing because the idea is terrifying. (More specifically, the idea of having to maintain control over what I buy and all the people there at the same time is terrifying. Have you ever thought about what would happen if you ate all of the food in just one grocery store aisle?)
Today I’ve done nothing but eat 2 times the calories I should and watch Netflix. I have a paper to write, and a question about it for the teacher, but I can’t email her. It’s really hard to email people. I should have done homework, or picked up a shift, or worked out. Maybe I could have met up with friends. Today was a waste and a lot of my days feel like a waste.
I try to motivate myself and change the self-destructive/self-pity feelings into something positive to work off of, but this just isn’t working. I’m glad I can drink beer again. Why must I either be restricting or gorging? I never thought I’d see the day where I go to 3 fast food restaurants for one meal again. Granted, nowadays I keep that meal long enough to actually digest it, but I don’t know which I’d rather.
This weekend is a very long, fun-filled, expensive convention I’m going to but I don’t have money to pay the bills that are due the week after, yet I’m spending money and taking time off work to go. I have homework due 2 nights of this weekend but I’m watching Netflix, and now I’ve decided to make a post.
I’ve worn a sweatshirt everyday for the last week and a half, and I’m behind on my laundry. I have mail to sort and CDs to copy and a desk to organize and books to read.
Maybe it’s the month-long trip down antidepressant lane again making my brain wonky. Maybe I’m despairing because I have no internal sources of motivation. Maybe I’m just pissed because I’m not one of those naturally athletic and skinny and funny people. I’m mad I can’t focus my brain thoughts.
I’m going to finish this episode of Bones then watch another one.