Studyin’ Blogs

There is a specific group of blogs and Instagram accounts where lazy stationery lovers like me go to feel jealous and insignificant. I’m not sure what it’s called outside of Tumblr, but people there call themselves studyblrs. It’s gorgeous. Along with these blogs, oftentimes, are posts of Bujo – or bullet journaling. (BulletJournal.Com if you’re curious.)

If anyone from that community is reading this I’ll bet they’re cringing. Sorry! I’m trying to explain for people who don’t already know!

From a pretty young age I started collecting blank journals and notebooks because I would feel inspired by them. I was never a good writer, though, and only a slightly-above-average student, so they didn’t always get used to their full potential. I just love organization and office supplies.

First off I’d like to brag that the main point of the BuJo thing (“analog system for the digital age”) is a habit I’ve kept from early on. I’ve always preferred paper planners to electronic ones; except for when I had my Palm Pixi phone. That thing was perfect. But anyway. If you search for BuJo on Instagram or Google Images or whatever you’ll see some of the awesome things these people do. Mine are only okay – I’ve only recently started designing mine like people will see it, because I’ve started taking my own pictures to post online. Also my handwriting is shit.

Starting mid-high school I turned my regular planner over to a journal/planner combo. I would write important dates/make calendars/make lists and all that, but in between those pages I would use it as a normal journal. One of the ways I journal best is drawing? I’m an awful artist, so it’s difficult to explain. But I would use colors and symbolism in a way that pretty much just made sense to me. But it was very therapeutic. Especially because as you’re reading this blog there’s no doubt in your mind that I have trouble putting thoughts and words together. I’m basically an infant with a laptop and a lot of mental issues.

Even though I don’t follow most of the “rules” laid out by BuJo’s developer, Ryder Carrol, it’s still a really awesome base system and I recommend it to everyone.

I burned all the old ones. I should have kept some if only to post a “best of” or something. Or maybe it’s best this way. I think I took pictures before I burned them… but those are most likely long gone. I used a lot of reds and blacks. #emokid

So onto the second main point: Studyspo! (Study blogs, study inspiration… Tumblr has weird mash-up words for things. Tumblr is weird.)

If you know me IRL, chances are you’re aware that I do have a college degree. I’m pausing before and giving some space in between before saying it’s only an associate’s, because truth be told, I’m embarrassed of that. I fucking love learning. I love going to classes and taking notes and studying and drinking black coffee 4 dayz until I’m exhausted and go out with friends to unwind~

That was my life for a couple of years, but now that I work full time during the week days instead of spread out over double shifts in like 4 days (serving/bartending), it’s not really feasible for me to go back to school for my bachelor’s. Eventually I would have wanted a Pharmaceutical Doctorate, because pharmacology was my dream. Then I worked at Walgreen’s and got disillusioned because people are awful and terrible and mean and the pharmacists are just a cog in a money-making corporate machine; not healthcare and welfare. Just saying.

Pharmacology would have been the science and behind-the-scenes and clinical trials. But in this day and age my conscious couldn’t keep up with that goal. Chemistry is cool and all, but greed isn’t.

Did I just get too political? Oops.

Now though I’d be happy with a Bachelor’s or Master’s in something fascinating. I don’t even know what. I’m honestly pretty easily fascinated. I want to go back to school but we technically make too much for me to get grants and we’re just now almost out of debt. I’m not about to dive headlong first into it again. Plus we need to buy a house and all the extra furniture and maintenance that comes with that… I can’t afford it. I really can’t. I could make it work, obviously. But it’s not a necessity because I have a decently paying job that I actually like (plus a second job that I don’t really like but that pays me) already.

But back to the point?

Sorry. I’m home sick. My brain is even more absent than normal. Plus I know none of you come here for quality. If you do you’re wrong. Obviouslyl.

Studyspo posts such lovely photos of notes and note taking skills and pretty desk-scapes and flashcards and highlighters and pens ❤ My heart ❤

I still go through old textbooks, and sometimes even buy new textbooks for my non-existent classes, and try to learn things from them, but I’m jealous of all these youngins getting to go to school and college and take advantage of their better education system than what I had.

My high school rewarded mediocrity. It really did.

I still look at these posts with affection though. They give me inspiration to maybe one day be able to go back to school as an old fucking hag and be totally left out and weird 🙂

One day!

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Well Ain’t That Somethin’

My new therapist is a really great lady. While I haven’t been able to be totally comfortable in the office physically yet, I have been able to be more open verbally and emotionally than I have been in the past with other therapists. I feel a little more willing to help help myself.

Recently, we went over different mind thoughts and their controllers. I’ve posted about mind thoughts before. They’re those things you say to yourself without really realizing it half the time. They’re those things that make you hate you when they’re not kept in check. From the material she gave me, I’ve found that there are 4 basic personalities these mind thoughts have: the worrier, the victim, the perfectionist, and the critic. I rated myself as a “mostly critic” due to all the “you’re worthless”s and “wow you’re a failure”s. Next to my unintentional “I should just die” thoughts, I figured I was the perfect critic. (She said we have a little bit of each basic character in us at different points; this is just my stronger character.) No more figuring out required.

Then the other day she suggested I map out my priorities. If I were forced to eliminate things from my life one-by-one (jobs, work, personal relationships), what would be left? Or, what is worth most of my time? Out of the list she gave me, we found that I do value Matt, family, and my personal wellbeing above school, work, and other responsbilities. Not saying those aren’t important, but she suggested I not try to give100% to everything. This opened up an emotional, anxiety-ridden can of worms.

How can I enjoy things without putting 100% into them? How can I enjoy things fully, without anxiety, while still taking care of myself financially? I find it difficult to read a book without worrying about how fast I’ll read it or how many other books I want to read. I find it difficult to play a video game without knowing when I can next play that video game. There are things I need to do.  I can’t just stop in the middle of a family (Sims) or building a house (Minecraft). It’s hard to enjoy myself knowing I have limited time to do so.

Which leads me to journaling. How can I possibly enjoy letting my feelings out through paper when no one’s going to read it anyway? Why do I care what I write? What’s the point of journaling if I can’t even fill up the whole journal? What’s the point of journaling if I don’t have a shelf full of filled-up journals to show off?

Seeing all this flash in my mind sitting on her couch, my therapist let me in on a little secret: I’m also a bit perfectionistic. I didn’t really ever think of myself as a classic perfectionist who needs to get 100% all the time or they’re worthless; I get a low 90-something% and I’m fine, y’know? I didn’t think my desire to be the time-devoting hobbyist meant I was perfectionistic. I thought I was lazy and obsessive. Though, I guess those are thoughts of perfectionists.

I just thought I’d share this new tidbit with you. I guess we’ll see what comes from it. Happy Wednesday.

Talking About Food Again

Last time I only briefly touched the issue of going out to eat with friends. A lot of my close friends and I eat out a lot. At least a few times a week, I’d say. One of them is a chef at a local restaurant, the rest of us just appreciate tasty food, and aren’t really in a place in our lives where cooking our own dinners every night would make a lot of sense.

Every Monday we head over to the neighborhood Old Chicago for beer, happy hour food, and pool. The fiance and I usually eat when we get off work a couple more times a week. Nights like tonight, we’re meeting friends for sushi when we’re all off work. Now, I did work out today, and I believe that I should eat when I’m hungry regardless of calories, but sushi and I have a very strenuous relationship. I love it so much that I will throw “dieting” out the window to have a Las Vegas roll or some tempura fried crunchies on top (I had this roll at Kona, but I don’t remember what it actually was. It was a roll laid flat with edible claws sticking up? It looked like crab claws, but more little. Anyone know what that is?).

Thus far I’ve basically reached my calorie limit for the day. Even with the run I took. I munched a lot at work because it was slow and my coworkers kept ordering delicious food. I kept stealing things like french fries and biscuit pieces from their plates. I also really like to have a drink when I go out. Wine is great with sushi!

I’m very stressed out about what I’m going to do at dinner tonight. When I order more than half of my meal to go, or when I stop but still say I’m hungry, my friends will say, “You deserve a cheat day!” when unfortunately I don’t feel I do. Maybe I’m still more disordered than I thought. Is everyone who’s mindful about their net calories this anxiety ridden when it come to situations like these? I had a cheat day last week where I consumed double my limit for the day and then some. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, but I also just want to eat all the sushi, burgers, and snacks that I want. Ah, inner turmoil.

Edit: The roll with the delicious crunchies is called a Spider Roll! The crunchies (not actually very crunchy this time, as there was more meat in these than I remember) were actual pieces of actual crabmeat actually tempura fried and actually delicious. The more you know!

Also! (Last thing) I recently downloaded a dream recording app for my handy kindle fire, because actually writing things with pens can be so tedious. Especially when details in things like dreams can be so elusive. So I’d expect a dream post or two every now and then. I’ll still keep the Tuesdays and Thursdays theme going, but dreams are so interesting. I’ll warn you in the title if it’s a dream post.

Happy Dreaming.