So, I think it’s well known through this blog that I have had a few issues with mental stuff. Mental stuff being a very broad term meant to encompass the eating disordered stuff, the anxiety stuff, the depression stuff, the psychosis stuff, and the mania stuff, and all that other stuff. All of it’s been a part of my life for a while now, and that’s not all bad. I’ve learned a lot about the brain and how it works, so that’s led to a better understanding of my own self which is nice. Luckily, the past couple years they haven’t been so overbearing because I got help and a support system that works for me (Thanks Matt and Mickey!). This introduction is shit.
What I was going to talk about is how it’s been since 2010/2011 since I’ve been on brain medicine of any kind, other than the occasional Xanax. The last batch was a group of 12 pills including SSRIs, anticonvulsants for mood stabilization, sleeping pills, antianxieties broadly, antipsychotics, and duplicates… There were a lot. So, just this month when my doctor suggested I take a medicine again it was kind of an odd thing to process. I am all for taking medicine when your brain needs it. Obviously, I know depression and other mental stuffs are real, so it didn’t bother me to take it, and it didn’t make me feel weak or less capable necessarily. It just kind of felt like I could go back to that sick spot in my mind again. It was scary for a few days.
I’m not sure what I’m complaining about. To my doctor, I expressed my frustration with my inability to focus and make sentences go together and do homework and not forget everything. She contributed it to my anxiety, so I’m taking prescribed Xanax and Lexapro now for its antianxiety stuff. It’s weird being medicated again. I guess I’m just not sure how I feel about it. I know I’m better off than I was last time I was medicated. Where am I going with this? Maybe my stupid way with words isn’t part of my anxiety. Maybe I’m just dumb. Sure does feel like it sometimes.
On a lighter note, I wrote a 4 1/2 page paper in 2 hours this week and I was so proud. Research papers are 230948% better than having-to-have-an-opinion papers.
I love when it’s 12:34. I love when there are 3 of something. I love avocados and mountain dew.
I love the sound fancy keyboards make. I love flipping through a new book. I love leaving for work and seeing squirrels and birds in my tree.
I love hearing great songs on the radio. I love having an “ah ha!” moment in school. I love the freedom of eating something and not knowing the calorie content.
I love the smell of clean laundry. I love buying office supplies. I love having fun at work.
I love coffee with whipped cream. I love getting to be green when we play board games. I love when people get my bad jokes.
I love my heated blanket. I love when I wake up thinking I’m late for work but it’s actually my day off. I love breakfast food.
I love when my cat follows me in the house. I love when I have time to watch Doctor Who on Netflix. I love remembering a whole night’s worth of dreams.
I love getting gumballs out of the $0.25 machine. I love swingsets. I love meeting new pets.
I love seeing the Northern Lights in Nebraska. I love coupons. I love decorating my living space for the respective season or holiday.
I love the feeling of taking out my contacts at night. I love writing big on chalkboards and dry erase boards. I love new textbooks.
I love studying with candy. I love back scratches. I love camping.
I love getting excited about things. I love making things for people. I love fuzzy pants and fluffy socks.
I love the feel of a room after deep cleaning it. I love getting butterflies every time I see my engagement ring. I love remembering a lot of little things starting from when I was 3.
I love when people are nice to me. I love when people notice how nice I am. I love art supplies.
I love the comfort of my Grandma’s house. I love riding bikes. I love to pretend I have conversations with animals.
Everyone has down days. I’m in a bit of a depression, and have been for a couple weeks. I like to remind myself that there are so many little things (besides people and financial issues) that make my day brighter. What do you love?