This is a topic that doesn’t come up on my blog very often. Mostly it’s just because it’s very difficult to describe what’s going on. The more “downer” experiences are somehow easier to write about than the manic ones.
Right now, I’m in what the psychiatrists call “mania.” Mine is more of a hypomania, but that’s because I’m bipolar II. Fascinating.
I noticed it really kicking in last week, because I started staying up later, thinking I could accomplish more on less sleep and in less time, and planning. I always plan a lot more when I’m hypomanic. Like, months and months and sometimes years in advance. For tiny little things like grocery trips and what gym schedule I think will work the best. Things that are difficult to stick to. I make goals for myself I won’t keep once the depression comes back.
On top of that, I’ve put in so much overtime at work that my managers are consistently telling me to take a day off. But I don’t even feel the overtime right now! 80 hours and I feel like I just had a whole week off. I have to take breaks a lot because I can’t focus and what was I doing wouldn’t this work better? Yes this. Let’s do this. We do this now.
There are so many thoughts in my head the only way I can think to describe it is a lightning storm over the entire planet and every lightning strike hits a transformer and all the sparks ignite huge fires across the globe and everything’s blowing up and exploding and it should be exhausting but I don’t feel it.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS NEW THING SEE THIS THING LOOK AT IT DO YOU SEE IT MATT LOOK LOOK WHAT I DID LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS OTHER THING NOW ARE YOU LISTENING MATT THIS WILL CHANGE OUR LIVES.
Luckily it doesn’t normally last long. I know the crash will be intense, because it always is. But I’m prepared, and have the tools, for when it happens. I may even sleep for a day. Who knows?
I’ve been staying up late, planning, reading, learning, wanting, needing, expanding, and no human should be sleep deprived and so productive.
I’m sorry I’m so bad at explaining it, but I do feel like it’d be worth mentioning this idea on this blog of mine that mostly just features my psychoses.
Blogging is oddly therapeutic, you guys. I recommend it. A lot.
Speaking of the things I do while I’m manic: social media. I post so much more to social media! Like someone how my “friends” will start to actually care what I do on a daily sometimes more-than-daily basis? As if. But I post it all anyway.
I’m overall very, very thankful that I have a very manageable experience with this particular disorder. Bipolar is very nasty, and for some it’s downright debilitating. I just don’t have it all that bad. The depressions are the hard part.
You know, come to think about it, the hypomanic might even explain the weird visual/auditory sensations I’ve been having. Seriously. I’ve been seeing things? But not really seeing. Just like, sensing? It’s so weird. I can’t even write about it. This is the worst blog in the world. I wonder if like not-quite-hallucinations are part of manic episodes. I should google that.
That’d be a lot more comforting than what I was feared was going on. For a while I just thought it might be sleep deprivation. I know for a fact that that can make you hallucinate.
I think this more recent swing into I CAN DO ANYTHING MODE has been going on for just a little under a month now.
Brains are weird.