Some Weird Feelings

So, I think it’s well known through this blog that I have had a few issues with mental stuff. Mental stuff being a very broad term meant to encompass the eating disordered stuff, the anxiety stuff, the depression stuff, the psychosis stuff, and the mania stuff, and all that other stuff. All of it’s been a part of my life for a while now, and that’s not all bad. I’ve learned a lot about the brain and how it works, so that’s led to a better understanding of my own self which is nice. Luckily, the past couple years they haven’t been so overbearing because I got help and a support system that works for me (Thanks Matt and Mickey!). This introduction is shit.

What I was going to talk about is how it’s been since 2010/2011 since I’ve been on brain medicine of any kind, other than the occasional Xanax. The last batch was a group of 12 pills including SSRIs, anticonvulsants for mood stabilization, sleeping pills, antianxieties broadly, antipsychotics, and duplicates… There were a lot. So, just this month when my doctor suggested I take a medicine again it was kind of an odd thing to process. I am all for taking medicine when your brain needs it. Obviously, I know depression and other mental stuffs are real, so it didn’t bother me to take it, and it didn’t make me feel weak or less capable necessarily. It just kind of felt like I could go back to that sick spot in my mind again. It was scary for a few days.

I’m not sure what I’m complaining about. To my doctor, I expressed my frustration with my inability to focus and make sentences go together and do homework and not forget everything. She contributed it to my anxiety, so I’m taking prescribed Xanax and Lexapro now for its antianxiety stuff. It’s weird being medicated again. I guess I’m just not sure how I feel about it. I know I’m better off than I was last time I was medicated. Where am I going with this? Maybe my stupid way with words isn’t part of my anxiety. Maybe I’m just dumb. Sure does feel like it sometimes.

On a lighter note, I wrote a 4 1/2 page paper in 2 hours this week and I was so proud. Research papers are 230948% better than having-to-have-an-opinion papers.

Happy Wednesday, friends. Stay sunshiney.


Boredom – If That’s What You Want to Call It

Recently I saw a quote online that had to do with boredom and it got me to thinking. I like to say I’m bored a lot. It’s not actually true. I suffer from the too-big-of-a-to-do-list-to-want-to-do-any-of-it dilemma (too many hypens?), and I try to find something more fun to do instead. Then I say I’m bored. Sometimes I just sit and think about anything and everything, feeling more “bored” than just lazy or not in the mood to do other things.

Too often though I sit doing nothing (reading, surfing the internet, or just petting the cat) when I know there are so many things I should be doing. Surely that’s not a problem that I suffer alone. It’s easy to assume many people do that, but I’m really mean to myself about it. For example: Just last week I got home from work late at night knowing I had a lot of homework to do, and I worked early the next morning. Instead of doing any studying or anything I sat on my bed feeling “bored” and sorry for myself. It doesn’t make sense, but I’ve been doing things like that for years. Even in middle school I would get bored cleaning my room (necessary before I was allowed to play outside) and decide to just stay in instead.
Maybe it’s a good thing I’m so content to just sit. But then, why does my attention span give me so much grief when I’m with friends or trying to concentrate on something? Everything is just so confusing.

If only I knew a better word than “bored” to use in these instances. I’ll probably keep using it. My vocabulary isn’t extensive enough to try anything else.

“The man who lets himself be bored is more contemptible than the bore.”
-Samuel Butler