Friends is Hard

What do normal people do to get friends? All the friends I have I either met through Matt (so we became friends by me hanging out as an add-on) or I’ve known them since high school or before because proximity and the fear of sitting alone in the halls before classes was terrifying. Obviously we’ve stayed friends through similarities and things, but there are people in my life now that I think I would enjoy being friends with, but how does one go about that? I don’t sit by or even see these people regularly. Do you just ambush them with ~friendship~ anytime you see them like “HEY HI WHAT’S UP WANT TO BE BLOOD BROTHERS” or like… invite them to Spielbound for board games? Isn’t that how dates work? I don’t want to date these people. Why are human relationships so complicated? Would straight up asking people to be my friend be frowned upon? 


Thanks for reading. 

Whine O’Clock

I typed this when I got home for tumblr because I felt so venty. I need to go see more doctors and maybe get new medicine but $$$???

I have permanent nerve damage in 2 places on my body. My neck (c6 and c7) and my hip (SI joint).

I also have a recurring cyst in my wrist (too in-the-middle to reach via needle and surgery is stupid for my dominant wrist so I have to wait for it to burst on its own and then it grows back every few months) and plantar fasciitis to the point that my right ankle only has 25% the range of motion that it should and my left ankle only has 60%. Hopefully that’s been improving with my stretches and the boot I have to wear to bed, but it still hurts to walk. All day; not just the mornings.

I have pleuritis that acts up every now and then. I get ACTUAL migraines once or twice a year. I have GERD. I have overactive bladder and digestive issues yet to be diagnosed.

I have psoriasis and eczema seemingly like everywhere on me, and both shoulders don’t like to rotate my arms above my head, so I have to baby them. (I literally push my right arm up with my left arm pushing up on the elbow to wash my hair some mornings. Did that make sense?)

I have bone fragments left between 3 knuckles from breaking them in high school and never getting them set. I also have a poorly-healed hairline fracture on my scaphoid from sparring. (Those things are my fault.)

I hurt almost everywhere ALL THE TIME.



And no one I know understands. Maybe just one person. But I don’t think she reads this. A lot of people have pains here and there, or more like “aches.” Mine need constant pain medication or I’m stuck at home crying. I would rather die than only depend on ibuprofen and naproxen.

I just had an episode on a Main Street in my city where I had to pull over from a nerve spasm from my neck to my pinky finger and up and down that side of my back. It hurt so bad I immediately started bawling like a goddamn baby.

I complain and people say things like “my neck hurts too” and it’s just frustrating.

I hurt so badly. All the time. No one understands it.

Plannin’ Dreamin’

So by now you all probably know that I complain about not having a bachelor’s or master’s degree like, all the time. I feel really lame that my college degree is just an associate’s, because I swore to myself that I’d get farther in education.

I mean, I have a weird addiction for learning. I may not retain as much as I’d like (as far as facts ‘n’ things) but I do enjoy the experience of school and learning new information. Honestly my dream job would be cat haven owner slash professional student.

My original plan was to major in pharmacology and run clinical trials and do the chemistry thing, but then I was doing really well in music in school and not so well in AP Chemistry in school, so I switched to music performance and theory.

Then I screwed up my first year and a half or so of college (blame it on the bipolar or on me being lazy or crazy I don’t care. I got over it.), and so decided to stick with a degree Metropolitan Community College could provide.

My stepdad is a big-deal accountant there so until I turned 23, it was all free for me. I got a free associate’s degree in Health Management (technically a business major) so that’s pretty cool in its own right, I guess.

Regardless of all that and trying to make myself feel satisfied with the “at least I have a degree” argument, I still always feel so jealous when people talk to me about their masters and things.

So after a couple of years of consideration (I graduated in spring 2014), a pretty solid understanding that I’ll be broke forever regardless, and a chat with my manager, I decided to go back to school full time.

Totally switching gears from anything else I’ve ever considered and landed on accounting.

There are a few reasons I picked accounting, and I don’t feel like really bringing up any of them. I just did J

My stepdad (the one at Metro), a family friend, and probably someone else I know who I don’t remember are all accountants, and I feel like it could be really good for me.

Plus I get to take a bunch of electives! Electives are my favorite. I get to take another history class or 2, some biology, some chemistry, some women’s studies…. Life is good.

September 6th is when the new quarter begins. After what I assume will be a few years at Metro (electives, the cheap stuff, etc) I plan on transferring those credits to UNO and hopefully, eventually, move on to get my Master’s. It’s going to cost me so much money. I don’t want to have to rely on student loans, so down the road I’ll either have to take a very long time going part-time to school to pay for it out of pocket, or get a lot of grants. Thinking about it is stressing me out.

Anyway the ultimate goal is, in fact, getting my CPA or CMA. Haven’t quite weighed the pros and cons of each yet. We’ll get there.

Extra plus side: my current company has its own accounting department, so maybe by the time I’m finished in school they’ll have a spot for me. I like it there.

Then I’ll make a bajillion dollars a year and retire early with 283 cats and be happy and skinny and never crave pasta again.

Hashtag: the dream.

Peace off. Happy Monday.

(P.S. full time students get tax benefits. Fight for your right to party, my friends.)

Book Lovers Day

Twitter told me that it’s Book Lovers Day. Of course I work 14 hours and then have to go to the grocery store and do laundry. So I’ll celebrate by re-downloading the Lord of The Rings eBooks to my phone and Kindle, since I’m pretty sure I won’t reach my goal of 100 books read this year anyway. 

Happy Tuesday. 

When I Was Your Age

Since it happened again I’d like to type words about a recurring dream-theme that I have. It’s kind of related to my last post featuring how unhappy I am that I only semi-achieved academic success in my life. Actually it’s probably mostly related to that.

Most of you may know by now that I have bad dreams mostly. I also have at least a few super-bad nightmares a week. But recently, the only thing buffering those kinds of dreams are dreams that I’m back in school.

I say it’s a dream theme and not an actual recurring dream because the ambience and experience changes. Sometimes it’s high school and sometimes it’s a big university.

I’m sure this is pretty common. School takes up a lot of time in a lot of lives, so it makes sense.

I usually come out of these dreams feeling good about them. Not always. Sometimes in the dream I’ll be so overwhelmed by the things I have to accomplish before classes even start. Physicals, submitting test scores, who to talk to, and the other weird things you have to do. Sometimes I get lost. Because I’ve been known to get lost.

Most of the time it’s nice walking in with my books and seeing friends and walking through the halls and sitting down ready to learn ❤

I was too cool to love learning while in high school. Also too crazy/preoccupied.

Life is pain.

Studyin’ Blogs

There is a specific group of blogs and Instagram accounts where lazy stationery lovers like me go to feel jealous and insignificant. I’m not sure what it’s called outside of Tumblr, but people there call themselves studyblrs. It’s gorgeous. Along with these blogs, oftentimes, are posts of Bujo – or bullet journaling. (BulletJournal.Com if you’re curious.)

If anyone from that community is reading this I’ll bet they’re cringing. Sorry! I’m trying to explain for people who don’t already know!

From a pretty young age I started collecting blank journals and notebooks because I would feel inspired by them. I was never a good writer, though, and only a slightly-above-average student, so they didn’t always get used to their full potential. I just love organization and office supplies.

First off I’d like to brag that the main point of the BuJo thing (“analog system for the digital age”) is a habit I’ve kept from early on. I’ve always preferred paper planners to electronic ones; except for when I had my Palm Pixi phone. That thing was perfect. But anyway. If you search for BuJo on Instagram or Google Images or whatever you’ll see some of the awesome things these people do. Mine are only okay – I’ve only recently started designing mine like people will see it, because I’ve started taking my own pictures to post online. Also my handwriting is shit.

Starting mid-high school I turned my regular planner over to a journal/planner combo. I would write important dates/make calendars/make lists and all that, but in between those pages I would use it as a normal journal. One of the ways I journal best is drawing? I’m an awful artist, so it’s difficult to explain. But I would use colors and symbolism in a way that pretty much just made sense to me. But it was very therapeutic. Especially because as you’re reading this blog there’s no doubt in your mind that I have trouble putting thoughts and words together. I’m basically an infant with a laptop and a lot of mental issues.

Even though I don’t follow most of the “rules” laid out by BuJo’s developer, Ryder Carrol, it’s still a really awesome base system and I recommend it to everyone.

I burned all the old ones. I should have kept some if only to post a “best of” or something. Or maybe it’s best this way. I think I took pictures before I burned them… but those are most likely long gone. I used a lot of reds and blacks. #emokid

So onto the second main point: Studyspo! (Study blogs, study inspiration… Tumblr has weird mash-up words for things. Tumblr is weird.)

If you know me IRL, chances are you’re aware that I do have a college degree. I’m pausing before and giving some space in between before saying it’s only an associate’s, because truth be told, I’m embarrassed of that. I fucking love learning. I love going to classes and taking notes and studying and drinking black coffee 4 dayz until I’m exhausted and go out with friends to unwind~

That was my life for a couple of years, but now that I work full time during the week days instead of spread out over double shifts in like 4 days (serving/bartending), it’s not really feasible for me to go back to school for my bachelor’s. Eventually I would have wanted a Pharmaceutical Doctorate, because pharmacology was my dream. Then I worked at Walgreen’s and got disillusioned because people are awful and terrible and mean and the pharmacists are just a cog in a money-making corporate machine; not healthcare and welfare. Just saying.

Pharmacology would have been the science and behind-the-scenes and clinical trials. But in this day and age my conscious couldn’t keep up with that goal. Chemistry is cool and all, but greed isn’t.

Did I just get too political? Oops.

Now though I’d be happy with a Bachelor’s or Master’s in something fascinating. I don’t even know what. I’m honestly pretty easily fascinated. I want to go back to school but we technically make too much for me to get grants and we’re just now almost out of debt. I’m not about to dive headlong first into it again. Plus we need to buy a house and all the extra furniture and maintenance that comes with that… I can’t afford it. I really can’t. I could make it work, obviously. But it’s not a necessity because I have a decently paying job that I actually like (plus a second job that I don’t really like but that pays me) already.

But back to the point?

Sorry. I’m home sick. My brain is even more absent than normal. Plus I know none of you come here for quality. If you do you’re wrong. Obviouslyl.

Studyspo posts such lovely photos of notes and note taking skills and pretty desk-scapes and flashcards and highlighters and pens ❤ My heart ❤

I still go through old textbooks, and sometimes even buy new textbooks for my non-existent classes, and try to learn things from them, but I’m jealous of all these youngins getting to go to school and college and take advantage of their better education system than what I had.

My high school rewarded mediocrity. It really did.

I still look at these posts with affection though. They give me inspiration to maybe one day be able to go back to school as an old fucking hag and be totally left out and weird 🙂

One day!