When Good Diagnoses Go Bad

Sometimes when I’m desperate that people know “I used to be skinny, I swear” I’ll often jump right into telling them how when I got my bipolar diagnosis they threw a bunch of drugs at me that made me gain a lot of weight very quickly. Also I started using a steroidal nasal spray (that no one told me not to use every day for 2 1/2 years) around the same time.

My appetite soared, I got more busy with my professional life, I got married and moved out, and suddenly I’m 60-70 (ish? timelines are hard) pounds heaver than I’ve ever been.

Even my fingers got fat. I look at my hands and I have slobby fat person hands. 10% of my clothes still fit, and I’m constantly wondering just how my thighs compare to all the other thighs. Who has the bigger thighs? Life’s biggest question. (I do. Easy answer.)

Now I’m looking at old selfies I had taken back at the weights I wish I still was wondering how the fuck I didn’t just enjoy it (because eating disorders), and I’m realizing that this recovered/fat me just isn’t sustainable.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it, and I’m going to do my best to not fall back into the super-disordered behaviors, but I’m so full of self hatred I could scream. Bipolar made me fat.

Also my school life is shit and work life is hard and personal life is 50/50 shit/hard and I just. And I just.

LESS THAN A WEEK UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY and I don’t feel festive at all. Goddamn life circumstances.


Holocaust Remembrance: The Fred Kader Story, “Piecing Together A Lost Past”

This is my Grampa. ❤

Distance Learning Connections

On Wednesday, February 12th, 2014, Pleasanton students in the eighth and eleventh grades connected via Skype to Dr. Fred Kader, a World War II Holocaust Survivor. The Skype connection linked Dr. Kader from The Institute For Holocaust Education (located in Omaha) to Pleasanton High School.

At the age of four he became an orphaned child of the Holocaust in Belguim. Dr. Kader shared his story of being the lone surviving member of his immediate family, being placed in an orphanage, and later found by his uncle. Dr. Kader learned that his family was part of the mass deportation of Jews in Belgium that began in September, 1942. His father had been rounded up with other Jewish men and sent to a forced labor camp in France. His older brothers were deported to a death camp. Kader later found himself with his mother at a rail station in Antwerp, Belgium, where…

View original post 215 more words

Yet Another Pile of Stress

Oh hey hi. It’s been a while. At least it’s been a while since I’ve written a quality post.

Well sorry to disappoint, but it will probably be another while still.

This post is just a random update slash vent-fest.

So jumping right into things: I’m currently in the application/testing process for a new, third job. That’s right: third job. Some of you might remember that my first college degree was focused on medical transcription: the art of trying to discern what those doctors are trying to say. Feet? Hip? Spine? ENUNCIATE. Anyway that’s what this job will be for. I’m not holding my breath for it, because it’s been so long and I’m extremely out of practice. My intention is to go through all my textbooks and have cramming sessions a few times this week to see if I think I’ll still qualify.

The way I see it is: If I get it? Great! More cash money, and it’s a work-from-home gig. If I don’t get it? More free time. Less opportunity for me to go totally bonkers again like I did just a year and a half ago. (I like to think I’m in a better place mentally, but with all the compound mental wonkiness that’s up in my noggin who knows!)

For this new job I’m aiming for part-time, obviously. I already get roughly 65-75 hour work weeks right now (in addition to being in school), so it’s unreasonable to really aim for more.

Especially because I just restarted Kingdom Hearts! Come at me, heartless.

What was I saying? I’m so tired. Did I mention I also started seeing a new therapist? Emotionally raw = always.

Part of me wants to post things that are more important to my brain-o-sphere, but with tensions so high out there… One of my worst fears is internet hate. Please don’t hate me. I TRY TOO HARD.

Wow you can really feel the sleep deprivation in this blog. This is why I rarely post. What are though processes? What is reasoning? What is type?

I’m going to finish this fizzy water do way too many crunches and then fall asleep.

Happy Monday.

Friends is Hard

What do normal people do to get friends? All the friends I have I either met through Matt (so we became friends by me hanging out as an add-on) or I’ve known them since high school or before because proximity and the fear of sitting alone in the halls before classes was terrifying. Obviously we’ve stayed friends through similarities and things, but there are people in my life now that I think I would enjoy being friends with, but how does one go about that? I don’t sit by or even see these people regularly. Do you just ambush them with ~friendship~ anytime you see them like “HEY HI WHAT’S UP WANT TO BE BLOOD BROTHERS” or like… invite them to Spielbound for board games? Isn’t that how dates work? I don’t want to date these people. Why are human relationships so complicated? Would straight up asking people to be my friend be frowned upon? 


Thanks for reading. 

Whine O’Clock

I typed this when I got home for tumblr because I felt so venty. I need to go see more doctors and maybe get new medicine but $$$???

I have permanent nerve damage in 2 places on my body. My neck (c6 and c7) and my hip (SI joint).

I also have a recurring cyst in my wrist (too in-the-middle to reach via needle and surgery is stupid for my dominant wrist so I have to wait for it to burst on its own and then it grows back every few months) and plantar fasciitis to the point that my right ankle only has 25% the range of motion that it should and my left ankle only has 60%. Hopefully that’s been improving with my stretches and the boot I have to wear to bed, but it still hurts to walk. All day; not just the mornings.

I have pleuritis that acts up every now and then. I get ACTUAL migraines once or twice a year. I have GERD. I have overactive bladder and digestive issues yet to be diagnosed.

I have psoriasis and eczema seemingly like everywhere on me, and both shoulders don’t like to rotate my arms above my head, so I have to baby them. (I literally push my right arm up with my left arm pushing up on the elbow to wash my hair some mornings. Did that make sense?)

I have bone fragments left between 3 knuckles from breaking them in high school and never getting them set. I also have a poorly-healed hairline fracture on my scaphoid from sparring. (Those things are my fault.)

I hurt almost everywhere ALL THE TIME.



And no one I know understands. Maybe just one person. But I don’t think she reads this. A lot of people have pains here and there, or more like “aches.” Mine need constant pain medication or I’m stuck at home crying. I would rather die than only depend on ibuprofen and naproxen.

I just had an episode on a Main Street in my city where I had to pull over from a nerve spasm from my neck to my pinky finger and up and down that side of my back. It hurt so bad I immediately started bawling like a goddamn baby.

I complain and people say things like “my neck hurts too” and it’s just frustrating.

I hurt so badly. All the time. No one understands it.

Plannin’ Dreamin’

So by now you all probably know that I complain about not having a bachelor’s or master’s degree like, all the time. I feel really lame that my college degree is just an associate’s, because I swore to myself that I’d get farther in education.

I mean, I have a weird addiction for learning. I may not retain as much as I’d like (as far as facts ‘n’ things) but I do enjoy the experience of school and learning new information. Honestly my dream job would be cat haven owner slash professional student.

My original plan was to major in pharmacology and run clinical trials and do the chemistry thing, but then I was doing really well in music in school and not so well in AP Chemistry in school, so I switched to music performance and theory.

Then I screwed up my first year and a half or so of college (blame it on the bipolar or on me being lazy or crazy I don’t care. I got over it.), and so decided to stick with a degree Metropolitan Community College could provide.

My stepdad is a big-deal accountant there so until I turned 23, it was all free for me. I got a free associate’s degree in Health Management (technically a business major) so that’s pretty cool in its own right, I guess.

Regardless of all that and trying to make myself feel satisfied with the “at least I have a degree” argument, I still always feel so jealous when people talk to me about their masters and things.

So after a couple of years of consideration (I graduated in spring 2014), a pretty solid understanding that I’ll be broke forever regardless, and a chat with my manager, I decided to go back to school full time.

Totally switching gears from anything else I’ve ever considered and landed on accounting.

There are a few reasons I picked accounting, and I don’t feel like really bringing up any of them. I just did J

My stepdad (the one at Metro), a family friend, and probably someone else I know who I don’t remember are all accountants, and I feel like it could be really good for me.

Plus I get to take a bunch of electives! Electives are my favorite. I get to take another history class or 2, some biology, some chemistry, some women’s studies…. Life is good.

September 6th is when the new quarter begins. After what I assume will be a few years at Metro (electives, the cheap stuff, etc) I plan on transferring those credits to UNO and hopefully, eventually, move on to get my Master’s. It’s going to cost me so much money. I don’t want to have to rely on student loans, so down the road I’ll either have to take a very long time going part-time to school to pay for it out of pocket, or get a lot of grants. Thinking about it is stressing me out.

Anyway the ultimate goal is, in fact, getting my CPA or CMA. Haven’t quite weighed the pros and cons of each yet. We’ll get there.

Extra plus side: my current company has its own accounting department, so maybe by the time I’m finished in school they’ll have a spot for me. I like it there.

Then I’ll make a bajillion dollars a year and retire early with 283 cats and be happy and skinny and never crave pasta again.

Hashtag: the dream.

Peace off. Happy Monday.

(P.S. full time students get tax benefits. Fight for your right to party, my friends.)