Excuses, Etc.

So everyone knows that I work out regularly enough, and that there are a lot of roadblocks that annoy me and stop me from going more often and being more active.

What I talk about primarily is my foot/ankle/hip problems. Y’all get it; that stuff sucks. But I’m medicated and it’s manageable now as long as I take my pills and do my stretches. I just can’t go overboard. I’ve increased the ROM by 15% 🙂 

What I want to complain about now is the rut I’m in. Call it depression, or laziness, or working 2 jobs and going to school full time, or whatever. But it’s so difficult to convince myself to go to the gym. I don’t mind working out at home. I have like a bajillion dumbbells and those ball things. I have exercise mats and a jump rope and resistance bands and some other stuff. 

But all I can really manage to do at the gym is cardio. I can’t even blame the meatheads, because I don’t care about them and making fun of them in my head gives me strength. So it’s possible that I can do my strength training primarily at home and my cardio primarily at the gym… It’s just difficult to plan/manage. When I get home all I want to do is consume substances that make me forget I’m alive with responsibilities.

Also I hate being such a scaredy cat because there’s a huge, PERFECTLY good trail RIGHT DOWN THE STREET that I never use because people are horrible and terrifying. I have a bike, I like to run, i could even walk, but NO. Fear runs my life because everything is terrible and bad things can happen to anyone and I have a cat to take care of. 

So I depend on the gym. It’s scary in its own way. People look at you in the gym. Some will try to convince me that everyone is busy doing their own thing, but that’s not always true. 

Since I’ve gotten fat again I only have sweatpants and a few tshirts/hoodies that I can wear because all my cute workout stuff is too small. So I’m the frumpy nobody who looks like I’ve never been to a gym before. Not to mention once I’ve started actually working out. Then my hair is stupid and my face is stupid and people i know go to the gym!

I don’t want people i know there!

Last time i was able to drop 30 pounds (my weight has fluctuated a lot in 15 years which is about normal, i think) we had a treadmill in our basement, which was 20 feet away from my bed. EZPZ. Then running outside was fun, because at that point i lived in a more-flat neighborhood.

This post is just me whining about how ‘hard’ it is for me to go do exercises i enjoy doing.

Also the tennis courts by our house are always taken over, and when we wait there patiently they dont’ seem to care and just keep on tennis-ing forever until we decide to leave. Plus i can only get like 2 people to play tennis with me.

~this was a post~

Basically A Tweet

This isn’t a real blog post. I just didn’t have enough room on Twitter. 

Edit: It turned into a blog. 

What I wanted to say was:

I always thought it was hilarious growing up how therapists, school counselors, family friends and even some family would tell me that when my parents fought (pretty much everyone knew. They weren’t subtle) that they weren’t fighting over me.

Maybe for a lot of people this is the case: parents usually fight because they take issue with each other.

Growing up in my family dynamics the fighting was almost always because of me. All 4 of my parents fought with all the other parents. The only pair that didn’t fight was my dad and stepmom. Everyone else fought with everyone else. Screaming matches that would end up in someone slamming down a phone or pacing back and forth muttering. Etc. 

My own home experiences were slammed doors, objects thrown, awful curses exchanged, sobbing, someone leaving and not knowing exactly where they were going or for how long or to do what…. 

But so often it was me. I did something wrong and got disciplined in a way that didn’t please everyone. I accidentally gossiped about another parent about something that wasn’t ok to a different parent. Who got custody over me and when. Treatment of me and my weird issues from an early age. 

Even with home life one parent was far more strict than the other and one parent far more lenient and protective. That caused almost as many fights as custody and stepparent rifts. 

Everyone fought with everyone and it was always my fault. I knew it was my fault. Fighting started after I said something or did something. Wrong or otherwise. So when these well-meaning adults would say “They’re not fighting because of you” I basically just learned early on that people lie trying to make you feel better and nothing is ever ok 🙂 Also: don’t trust. 

I’m in a bad, broody mood. Can you tell? Is my honesty showing? 

Holocaust Remembrance: The Fred Kader Story, “Piecing Together A Lost Past”

This is my Grampa. ❤

Distance Learning Connections

On Wednesday, February 12th, 2014, Pleasanton students in the eighth and eleventh grades connected via Skype to Dr. Fred Kader, a World War II Holocaust Survivor. The Skype connection linked Dr. Kader from The Institute For Holocaust Education (located in Omaha) to Pleasanton High School.

At the age of four he became an orphaned child of the Holocaust in Belguim. Dr. Kader shared his story of being the lone surviving member of his immediate family, being placed in an orphanage, and later found by his uncle. Dr. Kader learned that his family was part of the mass deportation of Jews in Belgium that began in September, 1942. His father had been rounded up with other Jewish men and sent to a forced labor camp in France. His older brothers were deported to a death camp. Kader later found himself with his mother at a rail station in Antwerp, Belgium, where…

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Friends is Hard

What do normal people do to get friends? All the friends I have I either met through Matt (so we became friends by me hanging out as an add-on) or I’ve known them since high school or before because proximity and the fear of sitting alone in the halls before classes was terrifying. Obviously we’ve stayed friends through similarities and things, but there are people in my life now that I think I would enjoy being friends with, but how does one go about that? I don’t sit by or even see these people regularly. Do you just ambush them with ~friendship~ anytime you see them like “HEY HI WHAT’S UP WANT TO BE BLOOD BROTHERS” or like… invite them to Spielbound for board games? Isn’t that how dates work? I don’t want to date these people. Why are human relationships so complicated? Would straight up asking people to be my friend be frowned upon? 

HOW DO NORMAL PEOPLE MAKE FRIENDS. 

Thanks for reading. 

Whine O’Clock

I typed this when I got home for tumblr because I felt so venty. I need to go see more doctors and maybe get new medicine but $$$???

I have permanent nerve damage in 2 places on my body. My neck (c6 and c7) and my hip (SI joint).

I also have a recurring cyst in my wrist (too in-the-middle to reach via needle and surgery is stupid for my dominant wrist so I have to wait for it to burst on its own and then it grows back every few months) and plantar fasciitis to the point that my right ankle only has 25% the range of motion that it should and my left ankle only has 60%. Hopefully that’s been improving with my stretches and the boot I have to wear to bed, but it still hurts to walk. All day; not just the mornings.

I have pleuritis that acts up every now and then. I get ACTUAL migraines once or twice a year. I have GERD. I have overactive bladder and digestive issues yet to be diagnosed.

I have psoriasis and eczema seemingly like everywhere on me, and both shoulders don’t like to rotate my arms above my head, so I have to baby them. (I literally push my right arm up with my left arm pushing up on the elbow to wash my hair some mornings. Did that make sense?)

I have bone fragments left between 3 knuckles from breaking them in high school and never getting them set. I also have a poorly-healed hairline fracture on my scaphoid from sparring. (Those things are my fault.)

I hurt almost everywhere ALL THE TIME.

I AM NEVER FREE FROM PAIN.

EVER.

And no one I know understands. Maybe just one person. But I don’t think she reads this. A lot of people have pains here and there, or more like “aches.” Mine need constant pain medication or I’m stuck at home crying. I would rather die than only depend on ibuprofen and naproxen.

I just had an episode on a Main Street in my city where I had to pull over from a nerve spasm from my neck to my pinky finger and up and down that side of my back. It hurt so bad I immediately started bawling like a goddamn baby.

I complain and people say things like “my neck hurts too” and it’s just frustrating.

I hurt so badly. All the time. No one understands it.