I Regret Everything

As most of you readers know, I’ve been struggling with a spectrum of eating disorders since an early age. I exhibited signs and symptoms of behavior from around 6, and actively began restricting knowing full-well what I was doing at age 11.

I’ve been in and out of treatment centers, inpatient, and have seen so many therapists and psychiatrists it’s a wonder I even think there’s hope for me at all. Especially on top of my many other ailments (both mental and physical).

Last September I started seeing an eating disorder therapist. In December she referred me to a psychiatrist. This has been my care team.

Today was the first time Matt came with me to a therapy appointment. I’m desperately trying to remember everything that I said.

For those of you who may not be aware, eating disorders are at least 95% lying and keeping secrets, avoiding the truth, over-justification, and investment in our own secret “safe” world inside our eating disorders. Some of us are more enmeshed in our secret eating disorder worlds than others. It’s to the point, after decades, that I literally do not know what’s my personality coming out or if it’s my eating disorder talking. About almost anything? I can make any life situation about how fat I am etc. And I always could! Not just since I’ve gained all this weight. All this fucking weight. How did I gain so much weight? “RECOVERY?!” You fat fucking joke.

I’m getting off track.

Today I spilled some secrets. Just last time I admitted to a friend that I’m not ready to give up my disorder. I don’t want to recover. I want to lose weight. Now that my eating disorder has swung from undereating and purging to overeating and purging it seems so hopeless.

My therapist tries to assure me that it’s a common swing, and actually confided in me that this means I never actually recovered when I thought I did. The disordered thoughts and thought patterns along with behaviors and mindsets followed me all this time and manifested itself differently over the years. So that’s real comforting, as you can imagine.

So what secrets did I spill? Big ones. My secret dinners. That when I joke around about food or “I went to the gym last week I deserve a treat” seemingly off-the-cuff jokes are really just me being good at making things normal and ok in appearance for what I think are others’ benefit.

I’ve talked about that wanting things to be normal before, too. In another post I qualified it with “I don’t want to be a drama queen” around friends, and I want to be seen as normal. Not broken. But…. I think I knew which side is showing its prevalence recently. Stupid fucking fatass piece of garbage.

Oops lost my train of thought.

I don’t want to let go of my secrets. Because once I start undereating full time again (restriction is easy until I feel pressured (mostly by my own self) to act normal or fun about food) then I’ll desperately need these secrets back.

They’re usually the cliche “I already ate” or “I don’t feel well” or “I didn’t even go to the gym today I can’t have toast” you get the gist.

Eating disorders are fucking impossible and I feel horrible. The worst part? “You don’t have an eating disorder. You’re just weak.” Not just from my own brain, but this happens in others’ minds as well. I know it does, because I read it online when I see mentions of Binge-Eating Disorder.

I think now I’m just ranting? I feel so lost. If eating disorders are part of my personality then I’m almost okay with it staying. I like to think I’m pretty down to earth and easy to hang out with. I’m empathetic and my-own-brand-of fun. I’m hardcore but nice? I don’t know I don’t know. Just like the anger. That’s me too.

My therapist called me defensive and I said “NO I’M NOT” as a joke, but…

This has become almost incoherent.

Happy Monday.

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When Good Diagnoses Go Bad

Sometimes when I’m desperate that people know “I used to be skinny, I swear” I’ll often jump right into telling them how when I got my bipolar diagnosis they threw a bunch of drugs at me that made me gain a lot of weight very quickly. Also I started using a steroidal nasal spray (that no one told me not to use every day for 2 1/2 years) around the same time.

My appetite soared, I got more busy with my professional life, I got married and moved out, and suddenly I’m 60-70 (ish? timelines are hard) pounds heaver than I’ve ever been.

Even my fingers got fat. I look at my hands and I have slobby fat person hands. 10% of my clothes still fit, and I’m constantly wondering just how my thighs compare to all the other thighs. Who has the bigger thighs? Life’s biggest question. (I do. Easy answer.)

Now I’m looking at old selfies I had taken back at the weights I wish I still was wondering how the fuck I didn’t just enjoy it (because eating disorders), and I’m realizing that this recovered/fat me just isn’t sustainable.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it, and I’m going to do my best to not fall back into the super-disordered behaviors, but I’m so full of self hatred I could scream. Bipolar made me fat.

Also my school life is shit and work life is hard and personal life is 50/50 shit/hard and I just. And I just.

LESS THAN A WEEK UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY and I don’t feel festive at all. Goddamn life circumstances.

Yet Another Pile of Stress

Oh hey hi. It’s been a while. At least it’s been a while since I’ve written a quality post.

Well sorry to disappoint, but it will probably be another while still.

This post is just a random update slash vent-fest.

So jumping right into things: I’m currently in the application/testing process for a new, third job. That’s right: third job. Some of you might remember that my first college degree was focused on medical transcription: the art of trying to discern what those doctors are trying to say. Feet? Hip? Spine? ENUNCIATE. Anyway that’s what this job will be for. I’m not holding my breath for it, because it’s been so long and I’m extremely out of practice. My intention is to go through all my textbooks and have cramming sessions a few times this week to see if I think I’ll still qualify.

The way I see it is: If I get it? Great! More cash money, and it’s a work-from-home gig. If I don’t get it? More free time. Less opportunity for me to go totally bonkers again like I did just a year and a half ago. (I like to think I’m in a better place mentally, but with all the compound mental wonkiness that’s up in my noggin who knows!)

For this new job I’m aiming for part-time, obviously. I already get roughly 65-75 hour work weeks right now (in addition to being in school), so it’s unreasonable to really aim for more.

Especially because I just restarted Kingdom Hearts! Come at me, heartless.

What was I saying? I’m so tired. Did I mention I also started seeing a new therapist? Emotionally raw = always.

Part of me wants to post things that are more important to my brain-o-sphere, but with tensions so high out there… One of my worst fears is internet hate. Please don’t hate me. I TRY TOO HARD.

Wow you can really feel the sleep deprivation in this blog. This is why I rarely post. What are though processes? What is reasoning? What is type?

I’m going to finish this fizzy water do way too many crunches and then fall asleep.

Happy Monday.

Plannin’ Dreamin’

So by now you all probably know that I complain about not having a bachelor’s or master’s degree like, all the time. I feel really lame that my college degree is just an associate’s, because I swore to myself that I’d get farther in education.

I mean, I have a weird addiction for learning. I may not retain as much as I’d like (as far as facts ‘n’ things) but I do enjoy the experience of school and learning new information. Honestly my dream job would be cat haven owner slash professional student.

My original plan was to major in pharmacology and run clinical trials and do the chemistry thing, but then I was doing really well in music in school and not so well in AP Chemistry in school, so I switched to music performance and theory.

Then I screwed up my first year and a half or so of college (blame it on the bipolar or on me being lazy or crazy I don’t care. I got over it.), and so decided to stick with a degree Metropolitan Community College could provide.

My stepdad is a big-deal accountant there so until I turned 23, it was all free for me. I got a free associate’s degree in Health Management (technically a business major) so that’s pretty cool in its own right, I guess.

Regardless of all that and trying to make myself feel satisfied with the “at least I have a degree” argument, I still always feel so jealous when people talk to me about their masters and things.

So after a couple of years of consideration (I graduated in spring 2014), a pretty solid understanding that I’ll be broke forever regardless, and a chat with my manager, I decided to go back to school full time.

Totally switching gears from anything else I’ve ever considered and landed on accounting.

There are a few reasons I picked accounting, and I don’t feel like really bringing up any of them. I just did J

My stepdad (the one at Metro), a family friend, and probably someone else I know who I don’t remember are all accountants, and I feel like it could be really good for me.

Plus I get to take a bunch of electives! Electives are my favorite. I get to take another history class or 2, some biology, some chemistry, some women’s studies…. Life is good.

September 6th is when the new quarter begins. After what I assume will be a few years at Metro (electives, the cheap stuff, etc) I plan on transferring those credits to UNO and hopefully, eventually, move on to get my Master’s. It’s going to cost me so much money. I don’t want to have to rely on student loans, so down the road I’ll either have to take a very long time going part-time to school to pay for it out of pocket, or get a lot of grants. Thinking about it is stressing me out.

Anyway the ultimate goal is, in fact, getting my CPA or CMA. Haven’t quite weighed the pros and cons of each yet. We’ll get there.

Extra plus side: my current company has its own accounting department, so maybe by the time I’m finished in school they’ll have a spot for me. I like it there.

Then I’ll make a bajillion dollars a year and retire early with 283 cats and be happy and skinny and never crave pasta again.

Hashtag: the dream.

Peace off. Happy Monday.

(P.S. full time students get tax benefits. Fight for your right to party, my friends.)

Studyin’ Blogs

There is a specific group of blogs and Instagram accounts where lazy stationery lovers like me go to feel jealous and insignificant. I’m not sure what it’s called outside of Tumblr, but people there call themselves studyblrs. It’s gorgeous. Along with these blogs, oftentimes, are posts of Bujo – or bullet journaling. (BulletJournal.Com if you’re curious.)

If anyone from that community is reading this I’ll bet they’re cringing. Sorry! I’m trying to explain for people who don’t already know!

From a pretty young age I started collecting blank journals and notebooks because I would feel inspired by them. I was never a good writer, though, and only a slightly-above-average student, so they didn’t always get used to their full potential. I just love organization and office supplies.

First off I’d like to brag that the main point of the BuJo thing (“analog system for the digital age”) is a habit I’ve kept from early on. I’ve always preferred paper planners to electronic ones; except for when I had my Palm Pixi phone. That thing was perfect. But anyway. If you search for BuJo on Instagram or Google Images or whatever you’ll see some of the awesome things these people do. Mine are only okay – I’ve only recently started designing mine like people will see it, because I’ve started taking my own pictures to post online. Also my handwriting is shit.

Starting mid-high school I turned my regular planner over to a journal/planner combo. I would write important dates/make calendars/make lists and all that, but in between those pages I would use it as a normal journal. One of the ways I journal best is drawing? I’m an awful artist, so it’s difficult to explain. But I would use colors and symbolism in a way that pretty much just made sense to me. But it was very therapeutic. Especially because as you’re reading this blog there’s no doubt in your mind that I have trouble putting thoughts and words together. I’m basically an infant with a laptop and a lot of mental issues.

Even though I don’t follow most of the “rules” laid out by BuJo’s developer, Ryder Carrol, it’s still a really awesome base system and I recommend it to everyone.

I burned all the old ones. I should have kept some if only to post a “best of” or something. Or maybe it’s best this way. I think I took pictures before I burned them… but those are most likely long gone. I used a lot of reds and blacks. #emokid

So onto the second main point: Studyspo! (Study blogs, study inspiration… Tumblr has weird mash-up words for things. Tumblr is weird.)

If you know me IRL, chances are you’re aware that I do have a college degree. I’m pausing before and giving some space in between before saying it’s only an associate’s, because truth be told, I’m embarrassed of that. I fucking love learning. I love going to classes and taking notes and studying and drinking black coffee 4 dayz until I’m exhausted and go out with friends to unwind~

That was my life for a couple of years, but now that I work full time during the week days instead of spread out over double shifts in like 4 days (serving/bartending), it’s not really feasible for me to go back to school for my bachelor’s. Eventually I would have wanted a Pharmaceutical Doctorate, because pharmacology was my dream. Then I worked at Walgreen’s and got disillusioned because people are awful and terrible and mean and the pharmacists are just a cog in a money-making corporate machine; not healthcare and welfare. Just saying.

Pharmacology would have been the science and behind-the-scenes and clinical trials. But in this day and age my conscious couldn’t keep up with that goal. Chemistry is cool and all, but greed isn’t.

Did I just get too political? Oops.

Now though I’d be happy with a Bachelor’s or Master’s in something fascinating. I don’t even know what. I’m honestly pretty easily fascinated. I want to go back to school but we technically make too much for me to get grants and we’re just now almost out of debt. I’m not about to dive headlong first into it again. Plus we need to buy a house and all the extra furniture and maintenance that comes with that… I can’t afford it. I really can’t. I could make it work, obviously. But it’s not a necessity because I have a decently paying job that I actually like (plus a second job that I don’t really like but that pays me) already.

But back to the point?

Sorry. I’m home sick. My brain is even more absent than normal. Plus I know none of you come here for quality. If you do you’re wrong. Obviouslyl.

Studyspo posts such lovely photos of notes and note taking skills and pretty desk-scapes and flashcards and highlighters and pens ❤ My heart ❤

I still go through old textbooks, and sometimes even buy new textbooks for my non-existent classes, and try to learn things from them, but I’m jealous of all these youngins getting to go to school and college and take advantage of their better education system than what I had.

My high school rewarded mediocrity. It really did.

I still look at these posts with affection though. They give me inspiration to maybe one day be able to go back to school as an old fucking hag and be totally left out and weird 🙂

One day!