Wake Me Up Before You Yo-Yo

This medicine has me at the worst I’ve been since I was in and out of the hospital 8 ish years ago. I have my fingers crossed that the new mood stabilizer works with it so I stop going down these depressive spirals. It’s a shame that anti-psychotics literally do nothing but make me physically miserable, because they show promise in a lot of people with persistent depression/bipolar etc.

The antidepressant I’m on is a newer drug, and when I asked my therapist about it she said she’s heard nothing but good things. I’ve been on it since December? January? And I think I’ve cut more in that time that I have in the previous 5 years of my life. It’s not good. It’s not good at all.

I’m not always aware that there are other options. It does feel like all my other coping mechanisms leave me at the last minute. It’s not like I haven’t tried “working on it” or whatever. These last however-many months have been really difficult again.

Overall I feel really normal. Almost hopeful? But I’m just so easily “triggered” now. I use that word as a descriptor only, because I don’t mean it like in the “safe space” sense, but rather certain things someone says or if I get an intruder (subconscious memory or thought process that weasels itself into your conscious, and is usually caused by having repressed a lot of stuff) then a flip switches and I’m gone for a while.

Which of course leads into the next morning/day/hour that “oops I got pathetic again” and that is not a very good feeling. I don’t like feeling whiny, or like people should be wary of my feelings. That’s not the case. I used to be able to reflect on stuff when I wanted to, but overall I was pretty stable. Now it’s this crazy 50/50 chance every day that I’ll ride the slippery slope down to depressionville on a whim.

Everything is frustrating. I’m starting a new medication (another new medication) tomorrow morning, and hopefully that’ll give me the mood boost I need to get back to the old Shley, but a slightly less depressed version. That’s my hope. It’s difficult to function when you casually hate yourself.

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