Mini Vacation

My husband, Matt, is way into the Star Wars LCG. I think he loves that game more than he loves me. But it’s kind of fair, because he thinks I love the cat more than I love him. I still won’t tell you whether or not that’s true.
The company who makes the game (Fantasy Flight Games) hosts regional and national tournaments for this game. Maybe more than just those? Either way it can get to be a pretty big deal. The prizes awarded vary, but a lot of local card/comic book shops will host these kinds of competitions.

However, this year for some reason, no stores in Omaha are hosting a regional tournament for Matt’s game. Leading into: why we’re going to Tulsa, Oklahoma this weekend.

I’ve been to most states in the United States. I’ve also spent a good amount of time on 2 trips to Canada. I have family spread out across several states (See “About Me” page about my family. It’s huge.) and I was always spoiled with parents and grandparents taking me on all kinds of road trips and vacations growing up. Somehow though, we never spent time in Oklahoma. Maybe there’s a reason for that. I do think I prefer our trips to Glacier National Park and Toronto to spending time where the tornadoes go (I have a weird relationship with tornadoes i.e. they absolutely terrify me), but regardless, I told Matt I’m coming with him on this trip to Tulsa because it’s one of the places in the United States I haven’t been to.

But as most of you probably know, I’m extremely anxious and agoraphobic. I don’t usually deal with leaving the house very well unless I have “security blankets” in the form of friends or family knowing what they’re doing around me .I’m more of the planner and take-charge-er with Matt, so I lost part of it there. And while Matt is my main “security blanket” nowadays, I’ll be spending all day Saturday, tomorrow (omfg), without him.

This is my mini vacation, though. I chose to go on this trip because I do want to see as much of the states as I can, because I’m still too terrified to go over an ocean to see some place that’s extra cool. (I almost said “actually “ cool. Some places in America are cool… like car henge. What’s that about?! I saw it. My grandma took like 100 pictures. I was done after 30 seconds.)

I have the weekend planned out where I can still “experience” a new place, but I’m still terrified of being alone in a strange place. Which I think is a pretty understandable fear. I have a tendency, however, to absolutely drop plans if I feel too anxious day of. I’m determined to not do that this time!

I found some good breakfast places (since we’re driving through the night) and I plan on going to the zoo and a museum and then a good dinner-y restaurant and that’s about it. We’ll only be there 1 full day. Weekend trips, you know.

Writing this post has me realizing it’s not a big deal. But it feels like a big deal.

Maybe I’ll just stay in the hotel and sleep. It sure feels like a nice idea about now.

I plan on taking a lot of selfies if I do go to the zoo alone, though. Oh, did I mention 80% of my anxiety is over what I wear?

When I say I’m having a “fat day” (a real thing for me) what I think people hear is “I’m having a little bit of difficulty with my body image today.” What it really is, however, is “OMG EVERYONE WILL JUDGE ME AND I’LL DIE I’LL DIE FAT AND EVERYTHING WILL SUCK I’M GOING TO DIE FAT IN A STRANGE TOWN AND MATT WILL REALIZE HE NEVER LOVED ME BECAUSE I’M A WHALE AND I DON’T HAVE ANY CLOTHES THAT FIT BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY TO BUY CLOTHES THAT FIT AND ALL MY CLOTHES MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A MAN BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A MAN BECAUSE I AM SUCH AN UGLY FEMALE I DON’T DESERVE TO BE ALIVE” etc.

Yes, all caps were necessary. It’s so you can get a taste of what’s in my head most of the time  And these more-severe fat days are happening more and more frequently. When I think about my body I feel physically ill.

I have 3 possible shirts to wear to the zoo on Saturday. But what if, while at the zoo, I realize another shirt would have worked better? Do I bring a bigger bag so I can keep an extra shirt? Will I remember to reapply sunscreen?

It’s supposed to be like 84F degrees in Tulsa on Saturday, and the sun and I don’t get along. The sun is another thing that terrifies me.

This blog has just turned into a free associations panic post.

So… Happy Friday!

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