Maybe This Isn’t The Best Time to Post This

Don’t know if you all know this, but I work extremely hard to make sure people like me. I try to please everybody. I aim to be neutral in disagreements. I am to not piss anybody off. I aim to be as helpful as I can and act with as much tact and poise as I know how to; especially at work.

I have nightmares that all of my friends, or coworkers, or family, have pretended to like me all this time and have plotted against me. I’ve woken up in a cold sweat because I felt like my inability to make/keep friends was going to be never-ending.

Nightmares really do come true. Well, in a sense.

Tonight I found out that several of my coworkers talk about me. Bad. Like, they don’t believe me when I’m sick, and they call me lazy, and they say I have an excuse for everything.

I have one of the best work ethics I know. When I call in sick, maybe I don’t have food poisoning. I’ll admit it. But when I throw up, it’s usually anxiety related. I will make myself so crippled from anxiety and worry and stressing about the assholes I’ll have to serve seafood to throughout the day that I just can’t handle the thought of going in.

It gets to a point where if I had to step into that restaurant, I would find the nearest cliff to drive my car off of on the way. I’d forget to turn my car off or open the garage door with my running car in the garage. I’d accidentally cut too deep. I’d accidentally overdose. I’d accidentally go off on somebody and end up fucking up my chances of getting good references from the job I’ve stayed at the longest.

Apparently, even though I thought I’ve made huge strides in my work ethic and my mental health regarding work, it doens’t mean a thing.

I’m not trying to say everyone should pity me and my anxiety.

But being mean to me? We’re all inconvenienced sometime. How many times have y’all inconvenienced me? This entire job has inconvenienced me! I’m am FAR TOO INTROVERTED to do this job well. Yet here I am. I even got employee of the month, for biscuits’ sake.

Even the manager I thought liked me (the only one I thought liked me) makes snide comments about me.

And this all just came down the grapevine to me tonight.

How the hell am I going to face these people? I want them to feel guilty, but I know they won’t care.

I don’t know what to do.

I wish I had some decent coping mechanisms right about now.

No one fucking understands and I’m fucking tired of being paralyzed by my stupid neurotransmitters.

And I’m fucking tired of being judged for it.

And I’m fucking tired of being blamed for saying it just as an excuse.

I just

I just

Fuck. Fuck it.

And all of you?

Fuck you.

(Except for the readers that have some compassion. In which case, thank you. I love you, too. Have a good evening.)

P.S. The funniest part? Through all this turmoil tonight, I thought “This wouldn’t be such a problem if I were skinnier.”

I’m just a failure entirely.

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One thought on “Maybe This Isn’t The Best Time to Post This

  1. Hey Shley,
    Try not to be so cynical please. There are a lot of people at our work who truly care about you and want to see you suceed. And that do like you very much. You’re a personpeoplewho always trys to get appriciation from others. For me, giving a fuck about people other than myself is a big problem. You’re one of the most selfless people I have met. And I admire that. Its also one of the key reasons I like being friends with you. And our managers? Just a bunch of selfish pricks trying to have a good day being a “manager at Red Lobster”. If my career resulted in a manager at red lob? Id probably be pretty cynical too. Anyone else hating, say Bekki? She just has worked at red lobster too long. She also has a very judgmental personality. Maybe it sounds like a conspiracy? But that place gets to you. People aren’t always the nicest, and you just have people deal with it sometimes. It sucks. Anyway. Im just a little drunk but the thought is what im tryinf to get across here. I wanted to lwt you know what a great friend you are. Also, for example. My ex.. fucked me over big time. I still love and care about her, but its lost. You can put your whole world in someones hands, and then they can drop you. Its kinda humbling to see how delicate we are all. Anyway. My point is, I care about you, so do your mama, and so do jesus. Peace and love

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