Don’t know if you all know this, but I work extremely hard to make sure people like me. I try to please everybody. I aim to be neutral in disagreements. I am to not piss anybody off. I aim to be as helpful as I can and act with as much tact and poise as I know how to; especially at work.
I have nightmares that all of my friends, or coworkers, or family, have pretended to like me all this time and have plotted against me. I’ve woken up in a cold sweat because I felt like my inability to make/keep friends was going to be never-ending.
Nightmares really do come true. Well, in a sense.
Tonight I found out that several of my coworkers talk about me. Bad. Like, they don’t believe me when I’m sick, and they call me lazy, and they say I have an excuse for everything.
I have one of the best work ethics I know. When I call in sick, maybe I don’t have food poisoning. I’ll admit it. But when I throw up, it’s usually anxiety related. I will make myself so crippled from anxiety and worry and stressing about the assholes I’ll have to serve seafood to throughout the day that I just can’t handle the thought of going in.
It gets to a point where if I had to step into that restaurant, I would find the nearest cliff to drive my car off of on the way. I’d forget to turn my car off or open the garage door with my running car in the garage. I’d accidentally cut too deep. I’d accidentally overdose. I’d accidentally go off on somebody and end up fucking up my chances of getting good references from the job I’ve stayed at the longest.
Apparently, even though I thought I’ve made huge strides in my work ethic and my mental health regarding work, it doens’t mean a thing.
I’m not trying to say everyone should pity me and my anxiety.
But being mean to me? We’re all inconvenienced sometime. How many times have y’all inconvenienced me? This entire job has inconvenienced me! I’m am FAR TOO INTROVERTED to do this job well. Yet here I am. I even got employee of the month, for biscuits’ sake.
Even the manager I thought liked me (the only one I thought liked me) makes snide comments about me.
And this all just came down the grapevine to me tonight.
How the hell am I going to face these people? I want them to feel guilty, but I know they won’t care.
I don’t know what to do.
I wish I had some decent coping mechanisms right about now.
No one fucking understands and I’m fucking tired of being paralyzed by my stupid neurotransmitters.
And I’m fucking tired of being judged for it.
And I’m fucking tired of being blamed for saying it just as an excuse.
Fuck. Fuck it.
And all of you?
(Except for the readers that have some compassion. In which case, thank you. I love you, too. Have a good evening.)
P.S. The funniest part? Through all this turmoil tonight, I thought “This wouldn’t be such a problem if I were skinnier.”
I’m just a failure entirely.