To Have and To Eat

The last 2 months have been full of experimenting. Not the fun kind with the beakers and the BOOMS, but the brain kind. I switched to a cheaper SSRI because of the beginning of the year/deductible thing, and this new medicine has me in kind of a funk. It’s annoying. I feel tired all day on my own, thanks. I don’t need a pill to multiply that fatigue by a bajillion (which is what it feels like).

One of the most frustrating parts is that I don’t fall asleep near as quickly as I’m used to. Though, that could be because I started by taking it at night; usually an hour or so before bed. Now, I take it 12 hours earlier in the day. It’s helped a little. I get a rush of energy when I need it during the day instead of when I should be sleeping. That late night rush was helping me get a lot of reading done at night, though… One thing I was hoping it would help was the appetite. I still get the cravings in the morning for ALL THE FOOD, and I still wake up with wrappers under or around my pillow. I still overeat, and I just can’t make myself ditch the soda. Soda is disgusting. I love it so much.

The reason my doctor prescribed this was not primarily because of depression, but instead it was supposed to help my anxiety. I stated that my grades had slipped because I can’t make myself focus (don’t get me started on trying to write. All of my blog posts end up as train wrecks. Can you imagine my essays?), so this was supposed to do the job when I couldn’t afford to take Xanax everyday. It hasn’t really been helping. I feel like I’ve avoided a lot more social situations than before, and I feel like my outlook on the future isn’t as bright as it may have been previously. I haven’t been on it for very long, though. I’m hoping it all evens out and does what I’d like it to do.

Yes, I’m far better than I was around the breakdown days, and even 3 years ago, but I feel like I’m very slowly, steadily, slipping again. It’s almost like I’m trying to fool myself. It’s weird and I hate it.

And this ain’t my first rodeo. I know I can’t take “happy pills” and expect immediate improvement with no effort of my own outside of my wallet. I’ve been sleeping as well as I can, doing things I enjoy doing, and trying not to 100% avoid people.

I’ve had 2 panic attacks this month, when it’s been several months before that and almost a year before that… Okay now I’m getting pessimistic. I guess we’ll see what happens.

Happy Wednesday.

Fun fact: this particular drug is supposed to be good against one of my eating issues, so that’s neat. Okay bye.

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