Oh, Biscuits

Perseverance. I have a sign defining this over my bed, and it’s in view of my desk and has been for years. I bought it to motivate myself. Target, for around $7.

Originally, weight loss was my topmost priority. I would persevere. I’d be skinny and therefore happy. This would start a cycle of “I’m skinny so I’m happy so I’m motivated so I’m successful.” Well, therapy taught me skinny does not necessarily mean happy. Plus, it’s not what I really want, anyway, supposedly.

Thinking about it, weight loss isn’t the stem of all my problems. My self-worth is. I forget sometimes that “I’m fat so I’m a failure” comes from I feel sad, I feel bad, I feel unmotivated, etc. It’s difficult to remind myself, but I try.

Right now I’m in a rut (just ask my poor, loving, giving fiance who has to put up with my moping) and this one isn’t stemming from I’m sad, I don’t think. Pretty sure my I’m sad is coming from I’m unmotivated.

Motivation. Next to worthless (probably another post about that word’s meaning to me), motivation creates some of the most problems in my mind and life. Motivation is what makes us function… outside sources can only help us get up and go so much. My job is short staffed, so that’s motivating to go to work. Knowing I’ll get to work from home motivates me to do my homework so I can graduate. Trying to make Matt’s life easier motivates me to respond with words instead of grunts and occasionally pay for my own dinner.

I have no motivation of my own to count on. I really want to clean, but when will it end and how will I stop? I’d love to read my book that’s due back at the library in 2 weeks, but then how will I clean or do my homework? I don’t know how to explain my frustration. I want to do so much, but I don’t want to do anything. I’m coasting and have been coasting (it feels like) forever.

Perseverance isn’t about just learning how to control my eating habits anymore. Perseverance has to become how I have to learn to control all of my life in a healthy, positive manner. Starting with learning how to motivate myself for things I want based on values and stuff. Working from the little things to the big, I’ll get there. Maybe one day.

“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.”

-Molière

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