Decisions, Decisions

Up and down mood swings are the foundation of my mental health. They’re impossible to plan for, and impossible to function very normally with. I don’t know how to plan for them or if I even should. Do I just keep on making plans and live on during my “high” moods not knowing when the “low” mood monster is going to pounce? The “low” moods make me cancel things and underachieve more than usual. The “low” moods remind me how much I hate myself and make me repeat bad things in my head a lot and cry often and overall suck at everything. Speaking of low moods, the other day I was having a serious inner battle with my brain trying to decide which part of me I hated most. I could not decide. It started after looking in the mirror after a shower and determining whether plastic surgeons could fix all that was wrong with me. Then I thought, “Well, I can’t afford a lot, so I’d have to pick just one thing I would want fixed.” But I couldn’t decide what one thing would make me feel better about myself. How about lipsuction around my middle? No, I could lose that quickly if I wanted to. Zap the veins in my thighs? No, I hate the shape of my arms, more. Can a plastic surgeon fix stupid hair? Nose job? Make my ears less awful? My back less hunched? Straighten my fingers out? How about make my eyes open all the way so I don’t look so drugged all the time. Plastic surgery can’t fix stupidity or airheadedness. Unfortunately. I can’t decide what one thing I hate most so I’ve come to the conclusion that I hate everything. Inside and out.

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