Spontaneity Will be The Death of Me

Oftentimes when I start trying to plan for the future financially I get frustrated because I have a goal, and I know how to reach it, but I have to wait. The waiting kills me. I know that if I pay this much for this long and put this much away every week I’ll be golden but it hasn’t happened yet so I get disheartened. I tell myself that this isn’t how life works; people have to wait for things. When I have a plan or an idea I don’t wait very well.

This is true with clothes shopping (I need to have three of things, especially work uniform sets), grocery shopping/diet planning, and other things like household maintenance and organization. I get an idea for organization and I need to purchase the things for the project right now because it needs to get done right now. Sometimes the fiance will say, “No, Shley, wait until tomorrow or Tuesday when we have time,” and I can’t do it. I got the project (or idea or goal) in mind and I want it down now.

You get the idea. It’s a little impulsivity, a little spontaneity, and a lot of impatience and lack of self control. This is not only frustrating for my bank account and the clutter in my living space, but it wreaks utter havoc with my eating disordered brain.

Yes, I’m recovered. I’m doing so much better. Everything is looking up and even on my worst days it’s a significant improvement over my old good days. However, the spontaneity is going to do me in. I see ice cream, I eat ice cream. I don’t normally think about ice cream. And I don’t stop at decent amount of ice cream, I eat ALL the ice cream if I can. I have to plan everything out ahead of time or else I create an environment for binge eating regret and that whole cycle of misery.

It’s fairly known by eating disorder specialists (doctors, nurses, bloggers, researchers, etc) that being impulsive is a characteristic of a number of eating disorder sufferers. For me it was a huge part of it. Yes, I’m a bit of a perfectionist but if my brain shuts down with thoughts of being worthless I won’t try anymore. And yes, my anxiety is horrific but my coping skill weren’t always food related. When I decided to fast I would fast. I would plan for hours and hours how much to work out and how much water to drink. When I decided to binge eat I would go to every fast food restaurant in my vicinity. Without thinking. It just happened. Then, when I realized what I had done, you know the rest.

I may have gotten to the rambling point now. For that, I apologize. The goal of this post is basically to complain that I’m still far too impulsive with damn near everything and it’s all over frustrating. Especially when I’m trying really hard to be healthy.

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