Bad Names

Our feelings are very susceptible to the things we say in our head. Most of the terrible things we feel and say about ourselves is said and thought subconsciously. A large portion of my therapy over the years was spent working on those things I say and think to myself, because it affects more than one might originally suspect.

Most of the time I’m not even aware of what is happening up there until I realize I’ve been repeating “I just want to die” for almost 20 minutes. Then I have to stop myself and consciously switch those patterns of thinking. Chances are I’m already set to be in a sour mood or make poor decisions after so much self hatred feelings. I don’t actually want to die, at least not most of the time, I’m just so mean to myself that this is a part of my daily routine.

It doesn’t even have to be something so drastic, either. It could just be the usual “you’re worthless” or something so simple as “you’re fat.” All of these are bad, obviously, and they’re all really hard to stop. It’d be best to prevent them entirely, thought it’s basically impossible.

Mornings are the worst. When I’m just waking up I’m far more concerned with weighing myself accurately or getting breakfast than controlling my subconscious. It’s so difficult to just wake up and face my issues when I’m too sleepy to initially remember they’re there.

Yes, I’ve worked on trying to stop these thoughts. There doesn’t seem to be an end to my struggle regarding anything and it’s beyond frustrating. Just the other day I realized that when I grow up I’m going to look back at my youth and remember just how sad I always was. It’s kind of pathetic.

I really need to work on what my brain says about me. About what I say about me. It’s terribly difficult when deep down I believe most of the terrible things.


2 thoughts on “Bad Names

  1. But part of you knows they aren’t true, and you have people in your life who love you to support that.

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