Badness

For all of my friends who have had an addiction, this post is for you. Well, it’s for everyone, but you might relate a little more. Whether it’s an illegal drug, a not-so-illegal drug, booze, food, or something physical, addictions are a terribly stressful and demanding buttface. Most of the time.

I have a few addictions. Two are common, and though difficult to fight off in the society we live in, they’re not exceptionally harmful. Caffeine and food. Who isn’t addicted to caffeine anymore, though? My food issue(s) is on and off and we all know it’s a tough topic to make brief. Right now I’m just attempting this “Food is Fuel” mindset. A more “eat to live, don’t live to eat” train of thought.

There’s one specific addiction, however, that I’m not as open about. If you’ve known me for a while it could be an easy guess, but all I want to say is, “Man, this sucks.” It’s so strong, so often lately. And the urges are weird. It’s almost… exciting. It’s the closest I get to thrill nowadays. My breathing gets more shallow, quicker, I get tingles up and down, heartbeat rises, I start planning how best to get away with it. It’s fun. I start locking doors and picking a spot only to remind myself that I’m supposed to be better now. I got over that. There are WAY better ways to deal with the inside brain funnies.

Then the thoughts get even weirder. “It’s not because we’re sad, we like it.”

“It’s bad for us.”

“It’s only been two months. What do we have to lose? It’ll look cool. It’s not doing any real harm.”

“Two months! Exactly! Before that it was almost two years. Matt would be sad. We’d have to watch what we wear…”

“So? Since when do you care?”

I swear the back and forth in my brain will be the death of me. Least it will do is cause more and more setbacks to considering myself a healthy-brained individual. Yes, I’m better, but the fact I still want it a lot and literally dream of it makes me want to revert.

At least it’s not illegal?

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