Every now and then I like to take naps. If I have nothing to do shortly following that nap, I spend a lot of time thinking. Today I got to thinking about high school.
Usually when I bring up things like high school it’s merely nostalgic; with no real point to make (do I ever have a point?). But with me being me, and with my terrible habit of making me feel bad about myself, this time I’m going to complain about where I went wrong and all the things I could and should be doing right now instead.
First off, I think it’s important for you to know that I was picked on a lot growing up. In day care before I started school the boys used to kick me and pull my hair, and all the girls were too little to tell on them for me (I was promised worse if I tattled). In elementary school I was just sort of odd throughout. I was the girl who read a lot, laughed way too loud and at thing that no one else thought was funny, I looked weird (kind of chunky with big glasses and buck teeth), I never had a lot of friends to depend on… I really could go on about all the things that made me weird and an easy target. In middle school I just got a super awkward stage. I didn’t have many friends, and the ones I did have I rarely saw.
Moving on. When I got to be a freshman in high school, I still had those same few friends. Most of them I’m still in contact with, but the majority of them are more successful than I. I’ve taken honors courses, AP courses, music, drama, and other art courses throughout school and it seems like they all knew what they wanted to do. I, however, tried to convince everyone I didn’t care and started going from As and a B here and there to even Bs, Cs, and the occasional failing grade.
Perhaps I was just sick of the goody two shoes title or the stigma of being a teachers pet (which, oddly enough, I am back to), because I started making a lot more friends. The ones I sat next to in AP English went on to get 4s and 5s to earn college credit, while I slept through the exam and lit things on fire in parking lots. I started skipping school, not caring about homework or participating in class, and overall quit caring. My parents called it laziness.
My Junior year is where my memories are really blotchy, because I got really depressed around winter break that year. My senior year I didn’t have good enough grades to continue honors or AP courses, so I took regular ones and failed those. (Honestly, part of me didn’t want to do well in the regular classes because the structure was so loose and it seemed no one else cared, either.)
This is when the infamous breakdown happened. It started one night during the summer between junior and senior year, now all the details up until 2 1/2 years ago are really blurry, and I have a great memory. I remember second grade details better than those few years. 2008-2011ish.
There were a few hospitalizations, a lot of therapy, but little to no motivation on my part.
The point of this post isn’t that mental illness isn’t fair, but that I wish I’d had the maturity? drive? to look past my current issues at the time, quit trying to be such a hard ass (I’m a softie) and done better in life.
I wanted to be a pharmacist, now I feel like I’ve wasted precious time. I am in college now, and I’ve been holding a job for the first time, so that’s something.
So much after school detention and Saturday School…. Remind me why I thought those were good things? Where was my brain?
Now I’ve just gone and frustrated myself. Don’t mind me. I’m attempting to go back to my optimism now!
Oh, if you’re more curious about my breakdown (a psychiatrist had called it Acute Psychosis, once) then let me know and I’ll do my best to remember it. I have some blank months, but I agree that it can be fascinating; especially the specific freak out episodes…