The Drive

Staying on top of eating right, exercising, and overall taking care of my body is a huge stressor and a rather large portion of my life. Many times I get sidetracked thinking “I’ve earned it!” or “It’s ok, I’ll work out later,” when I’m faced with candy or an over sized dinner. Spoiler alert: I don’t always work out later, nor have I really earned it. It’s difficult being in the place I am right now, because I’ve had an eating disorder. While I consider myself recovered, it’s well assumed that continuously spending so much time consumed with calorie intake and weight loss goals is probably bad for my long term mental health. I do it anyway, though, because I’m used to it. Makes me feel like I’m missing something when I’m not counting calories and what not.

Supposedly you could say that I’m well enough now (who knows if that’s true) that I’m able to see my body more for what it actually is, versus what I perceived it to be for so long. I feel like  I have a better understanding of my weight, looks, and health than I used to. I still feel slightly unhealthy. Being in treatment had me thinking I always deserved candy or to eat like everybody else. Really, though, that’s unhealthy, too. It’s very difficult to find a happy medium between sick and sick is what I’m trying to say here. Moderation is hard.

Last year sometime, when I decided to “diet” for health reasons solely, it was an immediate “on” switch to exercise and be more mindful of my meal choices. That’s never happened before. The slope down into the eating disorder was so… relaxed, really. It took its time. It manifested slowly over the course of 5-6 years until I was really sick and other people took more notice. I’ve always “dieted” with the only intent of losing a lot of weight and looking skinny (or out of habit), and motivation took its sweet time. Last year, though, it was for health reasons. And the drive hit right away and much more effectively.

I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to say here, except maybe it was easier because I did it for the right reasons? If you know deep down you don’t want to cause your mind or body pain, the mind and body will in turn play along a little more cooperatively. Yeah, let’s go with that! Nice and uplifting.

I should work out tonight.

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